home WellBeing What To Do With A Pesky Ego

What To Do With A Pesky Ego

Have you ever deep down, I mean so deep down it was easy to ignore it,

Known something wasn’t the right choice, But been excited by it,

And wanted it anyway?

I was recently offered a secondment to live and work in another country with my job.  It would have entailed moving the whole family.  My immediate reaction was excitement and anticipation – I really wanted to go.  My husband and family all supported it.  It would be a great adventure and experience.  You never know, we might like it enough to stay.

iceberg
Image courtesy of NOAA’s National Ocean Service

Finally we received the details and suddenly it wasn’t so attractive anymore.  There were two big factors that made it no longer an option for us and we withdrew from the offer and wished them well with filling the role with someone else.

Overnight, the fence posts moved and one of the problems was solved for us.  It was all on again, and the ball back in our court.

On Saturday all I did was readings.  Should we go? Should we stay?  Was it a good offer?  How would it affect my husband and family?  What would happen when we came back etc, etc, etc?

It was one of those classic rookie things not to do – reading after reading on the same topic.  Boy was I confused.  I couldn’t make head nor tail of the cards.  They seemed so positive about the move, yet when I analysed it logically, did a pros and cons list, it was a no brainer – there was no way we should go.

But the cards seemed to say it would be an amazing move and we would have this miraculous new beginning.

beach

Late on Saturday afternoon I had a couple of hours to myself with the family all occupied elsewhere and took off to the beach.

I sat, stilled myself, asked for guidance and quiet, slowed my breathing, and opened up.

I had my journal with me and before I knew it was writing blindly.  Here’s what I wrote:

“It’s not whether we move country or stay in New Zealand.

The point to all of this is to make a decision and go for it, either way

glass always half full

gotten bored with what we have, looking for more, when can’t see what we already have, right in front of us

needed a wake up call, this situation to decide, what is it that I want? and then to go for it

to cherish what I already have to live in the now, it’s like I’m thinking, it will be better if we can only do this, or that, have this or that, when really we have it all already

deep down, I don’t want to go, I want “the life” here in New Zealand

this is my wake up call, that I already have it, right at my finger tips, it’s right here in front of me

it’s like I’m eternally chasing the dream, when it’s right here all along

was this a test? to see what I’d do, how I’d react and handle it? we made our decision, told everyone, it felt good and I moved on, or did I?  then the major obstacle was taken off the table, I’m questioning our decision, now I’m really confused

crux point

standing on the edge of the cliff

do I jump?

be thankful for what I already have”

What a wake up call.  I realised it was my ego wanting to relocate, the prestige of being offered the move.  I didn’t really want the job or even to live in another country.

koru

What I wanted, I already had, right here in New Zealand.

On Sunday I went back and looked at all the readings I had done.  It was like I was looking at them through a new lens.

Suddenly it all made sense.

I created this experience.

This was a lesson to embrace what I have, to trust and have gratitude for what we have built in New Zealand.

 

 

Featured image courtesy of scion_cho.

 

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